


Depression Is A Bitch

by RedSpecial



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Comfort, Depression, F/M, Language, Steve is a good boyfriend, vague talk of suicide/not wanting to exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:49:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6884062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSpecial/pseuds/RedSpecial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve comes back early from a mission and wants to surprise his girlfriend. He sneaks into her apartment to surprise her but instead of finding her getting ready for bed, he finds her crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Depression Is A Bitch

Steve shuts the door behind him as quietly as he can as he enters his girlfriend’s apartment. He takes off his shoes and jacket before making his way stealthily to her bedroom. Halfway there he hears something that makes his heart stop.

 

A pained sob that turns to soft whimpers and cries. He pauses a moment to listen a little longer. Is she watching something sad? He can’t hear anything besides her and her continued cries which now seem muffled.

 

He quickly walks to her doorway and peeks in on full alert. What could possibly be making her cry like this? He can see her well enough in the dark and sees she’s curled up in a ball with her face buried in a pillow. She gasps for air before letting out another heartbreaking sob and Steve can’t take it anymore.

 

“Y/N?” He takes a few steps into the room and turns on her small lamp on the dresser.

 

“Steve!” She cries out in alarm and starts to wipe the tears from her face. “What are you doing here?” 

 

“Things wrapped up faster than we expected, I wanted to surprise you. You liked it last time I did that so…” He trailed off as he watched her try to smooth out her messy hair.

 

She looked like she hadn’t changed out of her pajamas in days, they had food stains and were heavily wrinkled. Now that he thought about it, it looked like she hadn’t left her bedroom much at all. The trash was full, mostly with tissues, but also with snack foods and chocolate wrappers.

 

“I...I did. But, maybe in the future you could at least text me? You scared the crap out of me.” She gave him a smile, a smile he had seen so many times. A smile he now could see was forced.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he made his way to her bed and sat next to her.

 

“Nothing. Just...nightmares that really freaked me out.” She was about as good a liar as him.

 

He held his arms open for her, normally she would instantly melt into him and snuggle up to his chest but this time she hesitated. She did rest her head on his chest and wrap her arms around him but it didn’t feel right. She seemed guarded, tense, and was taking very controlled breaths.

 

“Did something happen?” He asked her as he started kissing the top of her head and rubbed her back.

 

“No.” She sounded like she was sad that that was the case.

 

Steve bit his lip, trying to figure out what to say, what he could ask to find out what was going on without pushing too hard. He sighed. Then he felt her squeeze him tight and he could feel her tears through his shirt. He held her as close as he could. He felt like his heart was breaking. Here he was, Captain fucking America, and he couldn’t do anything for his girlfriend. He couldn’t even find out what was wrong.

 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” He said as he gave her a slight squeeze.

 

“I’m sorry.” She whispered.

 

“For what?”

 

“This. You come back to surprise me and...I’m like this…” She choked on the end of her sentence and started crying into his chest.

 

“Baby, it’s okay. It’s okay.” He wished he could think of anything else to say. Something useful, something that...would make her feel better. But he didn’t know what to do.

 

She pulled away and turned from him to grab some tissues to blow her nose. He watched her for a minute as she collected herself. Her shaky breaths became more steady but she still kept her back to him. He wanted to say something but he waited, hoping she would open up.

 

After another minute or so he couldn’t help himself and he moved to get closer to her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. She hardly responded to his touch and it felt like he was moving a doll rather than a person. He looked at her face, trying to make eye contact but she wouldn’t even look at him. So he did the only thing he could think to do in the situation.

 

He started peppering her face with kisses. At first they were soft and sweet but then he started doing them faster and added little sound effects. That got a response. She could help bursting out laughing at Captain America kissing her all over going, “Mwah! Mwah!” and making exaggerated smooch noises.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” She said between peals of laughter, now wiping away tears from laughing.

 

“You love it.” He said triumphantly and gave her another kiss on the cheek.

 

She giggled a little and nodded. Then her hand flew to her head and she groaned.

 

“What is it?” He wrapped his arm back around her protectively.

 

“I just have a headache. I think I’m dehydrate-” Before she even finished he was running to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.

 

He returns quickly with the glass and two ibuprofen. She thanks him, takes the medicine, and downs the glass of water in no time. “I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.” She muttered as she put the glass on the nightstand.

 

He joined her on the bed, getting on his knees behind her and started rubbing her neck. She let out soft moans of appreciation as he worked the knots out of her neck, shoulders, and back. He took a look at her face and saw she was smiling. His heart felt a little lighter and he pulled her hair away from her face before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

 

“I missed you.” He muttered against her ear before kissing just below it.

 

“I missed you too.” She said, her voice still sounding sad.

 

“Is that why you were crying?” He pulled her to his chest, enjoying the feeling of her softness against him.

 

“No… I mean, it probably didn’t help but I can deal with missing you so long as you come back.”

 

“I’ll always do what I can to come back to you. You know that, right?” He looked into her face now and gently tilted her face toward his with his hand.

 

“Yeah…” She said, barely looking him in the eyes. She looked away and he could see she was barely holding herself together.

 

“I know I do risky things and my life isn’t safe...but I can’t just turn my back on it.” Part of him wished he could just have a normal life and not have his life in danger constantly but not when  there were people who needed his help.

 

“I get that. I accepted that when we started dating Steve. That isn’t what’s wrong.” She sounded a little angry now, her tone sharp and words short.

 

“Okay…” He said softly, not sure what else he can do or say.

 

“It’s me…” She said after a few moments. “I’m sorry. I’m...broken.”

 

He could see her lips quivering and the tears start to fall even though he knew she was doing her best to hold them back.

 

“God, I’m so sorry Steve. You-shouldn’t-have-to,” She took a deep breath to try to stop herself from taking the little sharp breaths between her words. “You shouldn’t have to- deal with this.”

 

“What are you talking about?” He moved in front of her so they would be facing each other. “Y/N, I love you. Just talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”

 

She tooks a few deep breaths, looking away from him. Then she turned to look him in the eyes and let out one last long breath. “It’s just… I know I’m not being rational. When you got here...there wasn’t any reason for my crying. Things have been fine… I mean, yeah things aren’t perfect but it isn’t like anything in particular  _ happened _ . I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop feeling sad. I couldn’t stop hating myself, seeing all my flaws, and I couldn’t stop wanting to just-” She cut herself off and wiped her tears away.

 

“What?” Steve asked, just above a whisper.

 

“I just...want to stop existing. I’ve been like this for so long, Steve. I-I have these phases I go through and I can’t help it. I try. Steve, I try...I’m sorry.” She starts to sob and brings her knees up to her chest to hide her face behind them. “I’m sorry.”

 

Steve’s heart felt like it was made of lead as it swiftly sank. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This wonderful woman he loved… She was always so happy with him. She had her bad days but she always rationalized away her negative feelings and found the bright side of anything. She was always so positive and cheerful.

 

“I didn’t realize…” He whispered and reached out for her. “Sweetheart, I had no idea. You’re always...being so brave.”

 

She sniffled and looked up at him so that he could see her eyes just about her knees.

 

“You’re always so brave. Always trying to make everyone else happy. Always...taking care of everyone.” He smiled at her. “Always taking care of me. Whenever I’ve needed you, you were there. You helped me deal with the guilt when I found out Bucky was alive. You helped me through so much even before then.”

 

“Of course I’m there for you. I love you. That’s just..what people do… It’s nothing spe-” Suddenly she was being pushed back onto the bed and had his lips on hers.

 

“I will not hear that. I will not hear that it’s nothing special.” He says as he pulls away from her, but only enough to break the kiss. He keeps his face close to hers, looking her right in the eyes. “You’re amazing. I’ve never known anyone to be quite as compassionate, thoughtful, and loving. You...gave me a home when I thought I’d never feel like I had one again. God, I love you so much.”

 

She was going to respond but he was kissing her again and she wasn’t going to complain. She had missed him and was happy he was back, even if her brain wouldn’t let her fully feel it.

 

“Thank you.” She said when he finally pulled away again.

 

“What for?”

 

“Being so sweet. For reassuring me...for making me feel loved.” She wrapped her arms around him and he gave her a brief kiss. “Thing is...you can reassure me and make me feel loved but I’ll still get like this. I can’t help it. Depression doesn’t care if you’re loved or if your life is perfect, it still fucks you up when it wants. There’s only so much I can do to fight it. Depression is a bitch.”

 

“Yeah, I get that.” He gave her a loving smile. “But I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be right here with you. I’m going to do anything I can to help you fight this. No matter how many bad days you have, I’m going to be there for you. I’m going to love you.”

  
This time when she cried it was from happiness. There was still the cruel thoughts in the back of her head that her depression wouldn’t stop spouting but they didn’t matter. She knew they’d pass, even if it felt like they wouldn’t. And when they’d pass she would have Steve and all the things in her life that mattered. She wasn’t going anywhere either.


End file.
